Thursday, May 2, 2013

No More Excuses

I have a huge confession.  One that I hate to come clean about and one that I feel I must come clean about.  I need to put this out there and for those of you who see me, you know, I know, but didn't want to see, so here it is.

I had RNY Weight Loss Surgery in June of 2010.  I was convinced that I was ready to change my life and become a healthier and lighter version of me.  I did great too.  I had a good exercise routine and was getting my 10k steps a day on my pedometer.  I was active, I felt so great and so alive.  Then 6 months later something started going terribly wrong.  I was very fatigued, well long story short it took another 2 months to get my cancer diagnosis and lose my kidney to the cancer.  It took a year of surgery every 3 months to remove bladder tumors, then another year of chemo every 3 months.  Horrible fatigue, depression and sometimes despair took over.  I did my best to have humor and a good attitude, but alone with my own thoughts, there were some really rough times and a lot of what if's.  With weight loss surgery the sweet spot is 18 months to lose weight.  I stopped losing weight when I started feeling so bad and was so fatigued.  I guess my sweet spot was only 6 months.

So, with 2 years of being so tired and depressed - I did what I've always and shamefully done.  I ATE.  I ate my way into gaining 50 pounds.  Now I need to figure out how to take it off, one pound at a time, no easy answers and for a person whose had this surgery the max calories a day is 1000.  I feel as if I'm in another fight for my life.  I can't go back to where I was and I'm sort of afraid to move forward, but I must.  I don't like being stuck and afraid like this.

My blog friends, my family, my friends - all of you were such huge supporters and cheerleaders in my weight loss and I've let you and myself down.  It's hard to come clean about this dirty secret of mine, but it's the first step I'm taking to try to gain control of my life and health again.  I hope you'll cheer me on and not think me the failure that I feel I am right now.  What hurts the worst is how I've let CR down.  He doesn't say anything, but I'm sure that he could, he's seen me go back to the bad habits of the past, he knows, yet he remains quiet and true to me, and far more forgiving of me than I am of myself.

Feb of 2010 - my weight loss surgery was in June of 2010

Christmas of 2010 - I was wearing a size 12 jean and at my lowest weight and my weight loss has stopped.

Today, you can see it's a sad state of affairs, 50 pounds to fit into those size 12 jeans and to be healthy again.
So there you have it, I've outted myself in hopes of it helping me to mentally get myself back on track and to be accountable.  Eating doesn't cure fatigue or depression or sadness and I know that, but you wouldn't know it by looking at my current picture would you.

To add insult to injury, I'm currently in an aircast for my right foot.  I know it's better than a surgical option, but didn't I just do this a couple of months ago for my left ankle.  Ugh, sometimes everything feels so difficult.

Happy Stitches and Hugs,


Julie said...

Oh Tammy, I'm hearing you! You have taken the biggest step and really the toughest step of all is to put yourself out there! Take one day at a time, and don't give up.
You have had the toughest two years of your life and I imagine fighting for your life caused your backward step, and it's only a backward step.....pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on track! You did it once you can do it again!

Jennifer said...

Tammy, good on you for coming clean! No, it won't be easy this time round but unless you make a start it won't get done at all. It's trite to say but true, that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.....and you have taken that step, by your confession. How about making one night each week to try a new healthy recipe?

Lady of the Cloth said...

Boy, you've got that right, life is just plain hard at times. I am having the same problem with the weight loss and could just kick myself. I am discouraged and not motivated. I will stand by you for encouragement. You can do it.

Candace said...

Hey Tammy - just the fact that you're putting it out there for the world says you'e serious! Sometimes life gets in the way, but the good news is you have the power to change what you don't like. I totally agree with the above commenters - one step at a time. I know you can do it and we're all here for support!